Things have been a little topsy-turvy this week. Generally, I have been attempting to stay off social media; this has been mostly successful, although not entirely. I've been trying to KonMari my things, but I have reached a standstill at komono, the largest section. Also, I'm applying to master's programs and my roommate might be getting legally married and all I want to do is read and play Legend of Mana.
I dropped out of divinity school in November of 2017. Divinity school is a very dim memory. I was extremely depressed, despite being on medication. I couldn't read. The only thing I could bring myself to do was get dressed, and towards the end, I had a hard time even managing that. I may have handed in a few assignments. I cannot remember. I stopped checking my school email at one point, I think around the beginning of October, and the thought of checking my school email made me so anxiety-ridden that I never checked it again. Not once. I cannot even recall why I was so depressed or why things went bad so quickly. I truly believe that Wake tried to help me, as I wasn't from a Christian background. I wonder if I'd moved out of my roommate's house, if that would've helped. I guess I'll never know. Recently, my former cohort graduated. I'm happy for them, but I'm kind of sad that I'm not among them. They made it, and I didn't, and I'm not sure why. At the beginning of divinity school, they say that divinity school will tear you down and then build you up again. I guess I just let it demolish me, and I've been trying to repair myself ever since. It's very difficult to think about, because I feel the shame of being a bad student; I feel like I let my recommenders and my professors down. And part of me wonders, too, if I could do it again and succeed; if I could manage to complete this if I weren't in the home of someone who really didn't want to share space with me, who saw me as The Other. Since I left divinity school, I lost my faith. I don't know if I have faith left. But I might. I have been reflecting a lot recently on what has worked for me over the years in my spiritual journey and what hasn't; sending out feelers; exploring in ways I hadn't explored previously. Trying to find a place where I feel home. I believe that religion should be about community, that our lives should be about community. When I came to divinity school, I was part of a very minority religion in the United States. This is a religion that requires community, that has specific roles for everyone, and yet in the United States, that's very difficult to achieve. Many practitioners have relocated to large cities, where space is limited - it's difficult to realize these ritual roles in a big city, in someone's apartment. It spreads people out who should be together, and it makes things more individual when they should be communal. And individualism, while it does mean extended freedom for some, means the destruction of community, to an extent. So I have been thinking about all these things, and wondering where I went wrong, and if I even should bother trying again. It seems ridiculous, at this point. I only have something to prove to myself, after all. Congratulations to the Class of 2020, although I can't extend those congratulations to my former roommate. Forgiveness is overrated.
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AuthorArtist, essayist, divinity school dropout. Here for a good time, not for a long time. Archives
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