I have not been up to much but I did watch this absolutely bonkers movie over the span of two days. I started it on Saturday night, then Monát texted me and said she was ready for studio time so I paused.
"What is that?" she asked. "It's about a sniper and he kills people and fucks a lot," I replied. "Well, of course," she said, and that is also how I feel about snipers. (I am actually glad I did not see this movie when I was in my late teens or early 20's because I probably would have gone absolutely off the deep end, in a horny way.) The first thing that you need to know about this movie is that the opening sequence is unbelievably wild and hilarious:
I cannot deal with this! It made me lose my goddamn mind. There is a headless CGI (CGI! In 1983!) skeleton shooting a revolver. It's too much for my delicate constitution. I said as much to my friend Parke and they just replied, "It's so fucked, enjoy it", which is the understatement of the year.
The first half of this movie is Purty Good and after that things start to get Wild. So, let's see. Our mans Duke Togo has taken on a job, as one does, and has shot someone as their father is preparing to hand over the family company.
Golgo 13 seems to bang a lot for someone who has all of two facial expressions. He never seems like he is having a good time, although all these ladies seem to be having a good time, so I guess that's saying something. During this particular sex scene I was affronted as his informant comes in and gives the intel briefing while they are going at it? This is very rude imo. (I would also like to note that even though this woman has a ribbon around her neck, her head does not fall off at any point.)
SO now we're off to seduce the mob boss' daughter, Cindy. She is nude a lot, which I also would be if I were rich and had a lot of bodyguards around me all the time. Having a lot of bodyguards, though, does not prevent people from taking videos of you frolicking in the ocean nude. That's fine, though. If I were a rich blonde babe who could frolic nude and someone took a video of me doing it, well. What could I say except, "You're welcome."
Our mans just knows if he just beats up one of her bodyguards Cindy is going to take him home and bang him out and, he's correct. I mean, it's a good setup. As I am writing this out I am realizing I am not 100% on all these plot points, because the direction I thought this movie was going in and the direction it actually wound up heading in were two very, very different things.
After some horseback riding, some shenanigans with a phone in a safe, even more nude swimming, and the big reveal of "Cindy is the Real Dr. Z" (which seemed very large at the time, but in the larger scope of the movie is nothing), I think I paused for the evening.
I would say that it is my wish that I had paused for the evening after the plotline with Dr. Z and Cindy and then never watched the rest of this, but I dressed up like Rita for Otakon so I guess I felt like I had to see this all the way through.
After we leave this mini-plot behind, we're back at it again at Krispy Kreme with Leonard Dawson, the oil baron whose son was assassinated earlier. Leonard Dawson is mad as hell and has vowed revenge on Our Hero, which involves: - Paying the CIA, the Pentagon, and the FBI to bring in some bad boys to try to kill Golgo 13 - Hiring some enormous freak with no teeth to murder Golgo 13's affiliates - Trapping his daughter in law in a room with aforementioned freak just so we can all writhe in disgust at a prolonged and unnecessary rape sequence - Training his very small granddaughter to shoot handguns (she has to be like four or five, how you get a child that age to handle the recoil on a handgun is beyond me but I guess this is a cartoon so nvm) so she can try to shoot Golgo 13 through her teddy bear - Convincing the aforementioned feds to let some absolute killing machines out of federal prison so they can kill Golgo 13, even though he already has the toothless freak Around the time Leo Dawson was bullying the feds for the millionth time I started texting Daryl Surat of Anime World Order fame and asked why the feds didn't just murder Dawson and be done with it. He said that if they killed Dawson then they wouldn't get paid, although at that point in the movie everyone seemed like they were about to get fed to an alligator in a tank, so I didn't see what they had to lose. The turning point in this movie's plot was not when Golgo 13 shot some dude directly between the eyes and the dude still managed to squeeze the trigger and wound Our Hero in spite of being Already Dead. In fact, the turning point was when Leo Dawson's daughter in law got fed up with his dumb shenanigans and points out: Hey genius, Golgo 13 isn't just out here shooting people for fun, he takes JOBS, so maybe figure out who hired him to kill your son?
(I have left out our girl Rita but she gets her trigger pulled by Our Hero and then gets murdered by the fucking snake freak. It's a damn shame.)
We then have Golgo 13 versus helicopters - also CGI, in the '80s! However, they look entirely different from the animation, colors and everything. They look so different that I was sincerely beginning to think that I was somehow being pranked.
This movie, by the way, is full of Very Dramatic Sequences that end scenes in which there is a still frame, sometimes from multiple angles, that are used to Great Effect for Maximum Drama, which is why it is so jarring to go from this very dramatic stylized animation to being dropped directly into an episode of ReBoot.
Anyway. Our Hero Duke Togo has a fight with everyone even though Leo Dawson has finally realized that his son put out a hit on himself
G I R L
I R R I L R I G
Rich people are really out here doing the damn most at all times. After this fun revelation, Leo Dawson jumps out of his high rise building, but Golgo 13 still shoots him between the eyes anyway.
The End?? Girl what did I just watch???
RIP to Rita, the real MVP
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AuthorArtist, essayist, divinity school dropout. Here for a good time, not for a long time. Archives
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